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Thursday, February 11, 2016

How to Move to Maui: The Horrors of the DMV

Moving to Maui: The DMV
The DMV sucks. Even in Maui. Like any government-run organization it just can't do things quickly, easily, efficiently, or without the hair-pulling frustration of the latest nonsensical Common Core Standards.

Seriously, what's the greatest innovation at the DMV in the last 40 years? A bench? A “Take a number” system? Great, the DMV has finally narrowed the gap with my local super market.

All kidding aside (I know I started the above paragraph with "Seriously..." but, seriously, I'm just kidding around.)

Anyway, when you move to Hawaii there are a few interesting things to keep in mind when it comes to transferring your driver's license, registering your car, and buying insurance.

To help you avoid the clunky process we went through, here are the steps of how things should be done.

STEP 1: What NOT to do

If you sell your vehicle with the intention of buying a new one in Hawaii, don't be so quick to cancel your insurance. When you apply for new auto insurance there are discounts offered for being "previously insured." Have your old policy number handy when you're talking to an insurance rep.

STEP 2: Earning your driver's license... again

Fortunately the DMV in Maui isn't as scary as it is everywhere else in the universe. However it is a little strange. To get your Hawaii driver's license you'll need to take a 25 question multiple-choice written test, an eye test, get your photo taken, and your thumb and index finger printed. You'll need two forms of ID (i.e. old driver's license, passport, birth certificate) and two pieces of mail confirming your place of residence in Hawaii. It's cost you about $15.

STEP 3: Passing the safety inspection

All cars in Hawaii two years old or older have to undergo a pretty strict environmental safety inspection. You will need to have proof of insurance, the vehicle's current registration (even if it's in the previous owners' name), and the title with you when you go to have this done.

STEP 4: Back to the DMV. Oh yay.

Actually, like I just said in Step 2, they've got that "Aloha spirit" at the Hawaii DMV, so it's not that bad, even if the wait time is three hours. To register your car you will need a) proof of insurance, b) safety inspection certificate, c) title, d) screwdriver for applying/removing new/old plates, e) patience, f) approximately $16.

All of these steps in this order work as a kind of combination lock. Once completed you will be welcomed into the bosom of mother Maui with a flowery lei and a luau. Ok, not really, but it'll feel like this...

Monday, November 9, 2015

Life With Christian Healthcare Sharing - The Fears, The Blessings

Life with Christian Healthcare Sharing
Since Danielle and I decided to become members of a Christian healthcare sharing organization we've gotten tons of questions from people who read our post "A Look At The Three Big Christian Healthcare Sharing Options." People want to know what it's been like, how it works, and even does it work.

So here's what our experience has been like so far.

But first, a quick recap.

Danielle and I decided we didn't want any part of the government's version of affordable healthcare. It's cost is astronomical, it's unethical, it's unnecessarily complicated, and it forces us to pay for medical procedures that we don't agree are biblical. Thanks to some provisions in the law, organizations like Christian Healthcare Ministries, Medi-Share, and Samaritan Ministries can legally provide health coverage to Christians without having to pay the penalty for not having Obamacare. It's perfectly legal. It works. And it's a monumental blessing.

Though, admittedly, it's a bit scary at first.

We took some time to look into the big three Christian healthcare sharing options—Christian Healthcare Ministries (CHM), Medi-Share, and Samaritan Ministries. All three have different strengths that will satisfy the needs of their individual members, but CHM seemed to suit our needs the best.

Christian Healthcare Ministries

CHM is actually the oldest of the big three, having been around since 1984. This gave us an element of trust that this organization, having proven itself sustainable, could help us meet our medical needs. They are a nonprofit health cost sharing ministry through which Christians help other Christians with their medical expenses.

How it works is pretty simple: when you have a medical need you go to the doctor. At some point, someone at the hospital will ask you about insurance. You say, "I have insurance, but you just treat me as a self-pay patient." They nod and go, "Oh, ok. Sure. No problem." A couple weeks later you'll get a bill and a letter saying that as far as the hospital is concerned you are responsible to cover the cost. You submit that bill to CHM. CHM members submit their monthly portion and your medical needs are covered. That's it in a nutshell anyway.

We're Pregnant. Yay! ... I Mean, "Gulp!"

Back at the beginning of October Danielle told me that we were expecting. We couldn't be more excited! So far everything has gone pretty smoothly—doctor's visits, getting bills, submitting them to CHM. There's been a bit of a learning curve because we are basically in charge of our healthcare needs. There are some forms to fill out and some steps to go through, but the folks at CHM have been more than helpful every step of the way.

Even though we decided to become members of CHM, we're not knocking Medi-Share or Samaritan Ministries. All three are great programs that have different benefits. We chose CHM based on our medical needs, which are few. We encourage people to get some literature from each sharing organization, and even call them to ask questions to find out which one is right for you.

In short, things are going well with CHM. We plan to continue using them and highly recommend them.

It can definitely stretch your nerves joining up with a healthcare sharing organization like CHM. It requires a step of faith, for sure, because the ministry relies on the support of God's people, and their support is dependent on God's provision. But His Word says that He is faithful. And He is! We've found that as we step out in faith with CHM, God rewards that faith. It's a tremendous blessing!

If you found this information to be helpful, and choose to use Christian Healthcare Ministries, would you consider signing up under us as a thank you for all our research? You can use this link to do that: Christian Healthcare Ministries. Thanks!

The Horrendous Healthcare Hunt Begins!

The Horrendous Healthcare Hunt, Part 2: The Why

Life Without Obamacare Is Beautiful... But Complicated

Monday, February 9, 2015

10 Things You Don't Need To Waste Your Money On

What is this called: A $1 candy bar bought 5 times a week for a year equals $260.

That's easy! It's simple math.

No, actually it's called "perspective."

Want some more?

The average cost for a single trip to a nationally recognized coffeehouse is $3.25, according to CBS News. Bought five days a week is $16.25. That's about $65 a month and $845 a year. Even if you don't buy it every day, or maybe buy cheaper coffee, you're still spending the equivalent of a car payment.

Point being, it's something you don't need, especially if you're in debt. Every day Americans are wasting tens of thousands of dollars on stuff they don't need.

Here are 10 things that most people could probably do without. In fact, I'm more than sure that anybody could do without.

1. Up-Sizing Your Order

All you want is lunch, but the teenager on the other end of the speaker has been trained to rope you into purchasing more with a plethora of options. "You want a cookie with that? How about a super-sized drink? Apple pie? Extra fries?" Whatever the options, a lot of people are saying "Yes!" because, hey, it's only an extra buck, maybe even 50 cents. ... Who cares?! You're not 15 anymore. Stop giving in to the peer pressure and just say no!

2. Purebred Dogs

My wife has fallen in love with a new kind of dog breed, a cross between a Husky and a Pomeranian, called a Pomsky. I'll admit, they're deliciously adorable. They're also about $4,000. Let the pompous wealthy develop their expensive dog breeds for the sake of having something expensive. Meanwhile there are plenty of loving dogs (and kitty cats) that make up in loyalty what they lack in pedigree. Save a dog. Save some cash. Gain a friend. Sounds good to me!

3. Private Education

What do Starbucks' founder Howard Schultz, fashion entrepreneur Ralph Lauren, Apple Co-Founder Steve Jobs, and filmmaker Quentin Tarantino have in common—aside from the fact that they're all millionaires? They all went to cheap, lowbrow high schools and colleges. Not to mention John D. Rockefeller, John Glenn, Mark Twain, Henry Ford, Winston Churchill, Abraham Lincoln, and Albert Einstein, among many, many others.

Listen up America! An alma mater isn’t going to guarantee your sweetie a six-figure income—only hard work and determination can do that. I spent seven years working for a wealthy couple whose two children graduated ivy league colleges and struggled for years afterward trying to find jobs, and even though they're both employed now mommy and daddy are still paying some of their bills. So before you pay for another tuition hike, make sure you’re actually getting a better, safer or more faith-centered education for your money. And absolutely do not go into debt for it.

4. Lottery Tickets

For every 259 million people that play the Mega Millions lottery, only one will strike it rich. That's right. One.

Gosh'um golly gee whiz, I love perspective!

Want some better odds? Did you know that if you invested $100 a month in a good retirement plan for 40 years, you’ll almost always retire a millionaire? The math is simple. Lottery tickets = money leaving your pocket. Planning and budgeting = a little thing called prosperity.

5. Brand-Name Medicine

I was a seasonal allergy sufferer for almost twenty years. As a little kid I remember just laying on the couch and sneezing again and again and again and again all afternoon. Over the years I've tried countless brand name drugs to battle my allergies. Some worked well enough to clear me up for a spell, others didn't work at all. Then one day my wife and I saw a huge bin at Walmart filled with cheap allergy medication—$1 a box for 12 pills. I figured, why not? And you know what? It was the BEST allergy medicine I've ever used. Brand-name drugs usually have the same exact ingredients as their generic counterparts. So read the labels and buy your meds based on what’s in them, not based on who’s advertising them.

6. At-Home Parties

You’ve been invited to yet another jewelry party. Last month it was tote bags, and before that it was essential oils. But your best friend is hosting this one, and she’s asked you to come along as a favor. So you RSVP—even though you never make good decisions in a room full of women eating, drinking and writing checks for fun. Next time, if you can’t afford it, say no. Blame the budget if you have to. A true friend will understand.

7. The Newest Gadgets

Zombies are all the rage on TV and in the movies these days, but the there's a genuine zombie apocalypse happening in our streets every time a big gadget company releases a new version of the latest thingy. People swarm to the nearest store in droves to buy a thing with more storage space or a bigger screen or more megapixels or faster processor or whatever. Look, does your phone still make calls? Does your computer still turn on—maybe it doesn't boot up like a shiny new Mac, but it still works doesn't it? Relax, people. Whatever it is, chances are, you don't really need it.

8. Car Payments and Leases

Given the choice, would you rather pay someone else $500 a month, or pay yourself $500 a month? Thought so. Instead of buying a car on payments, hunt for a vehicle you can actually afford right now—even if it’s just a $2,000 get-you-to-work-and-back beater. And in just three short years, you’ll have enough money saved for an $18,000 look-at-you-now beauty. Then you can take that $500 car payment and put it in the bank every month for 40 years. That's $240,000, not including interest!


9. Singing Birthday Cards

That hilarious singing birthday card may be cute, but it’s not seven dollars cute! Plus, your brother-in-law is just going to throw it away in a week’s time. So save some cash by grabbing a generic card for a buck or two and writing a meaningful message inside. What you say will mean so much more than the paper you say it on.

10. Bottled Water

There’s really no excuse to buy something that’s practically free. And yet, in 2012, Americans spent more than $11.8 billion on disposable water bottles. Come on, folks. This one is really dumb, especially considering a group of German researches discovered in 2011 more than 24,000 chemicals on bottled water. Furthermore, a study from the Natural Resources Defense Council has shown that the quality of tap water is held to a much higher standard than that of bottled water. So if you're an avid drinker of bottled water, here's a money-saving that could potentially save you hundreds of dollars a year: buy a 32oz Camelback water bottle and fill it up with water every day. Drink at least one every day. You'll be richer and healthier!

In Closing

It's not fair to dog those of us who can afford private tuition or a nice new car, so, if you can and you want to, by all means, go for it. But if you're still paying down debt, catching up on bills, or stockpiling your emergency fund, these expensive life add-ons need to wait.

What about you? What things are you throwing your money at that you could probably live without, or at least long enough to gain some financial traction?

Friday, February 6, 2015

Why You're Still In Debt

Why you're still in debt
I call it a 3 a.m. moment. It's the instant you realize that you need to do something about your debt. Maybe it doesn't happen at 3 a.m. necessarily. Maybe it happens when you look at the next credit card bill, or when you go to write that massive check for an unexpected car repair. It's like waking up in the middle of the night with the horrible realization that you forgot to do that very important thing.

So you decide to make a change. You even get a little angry about it. That "3 a.m." moment made you determined to get out of debt for good!

Buuuuut it didn't take. After a while, your conviction waned and now, sadly, you're still in debt.

What keeps people from getting out of debt? Why would someone want to stay in chains instead of living in freedom? Sadly, there are all sorts of reasons people choose MasterCard over being free from debt, but here are a few:

1. They want to keep up appearances.

This is what realty TV has got us trained to do—keeping up with the Joneses, or, to many, the Kardashians. But most people who appear to have it all really have a steep mortgage on that million dollar home, and a lease on that expensive car, and a Visa card that's maxed out. These are some of the most broke people in your neighborhood! Trying to keep up appearances with anyone is nothing but your ego taking a stroll on the uneasy side and it will lead to bankruptcy if you're not careful.

2. They are unwilling to sacrifice.

When Danielle and I got married, I couldn't fathom not going out to eat at least once a week. But it was a sacrifice I eventually made. Now we go out to eat once every few months. If that. And you know what? It's not as dreadful as I imagined it would be. We have since come to sacrifice many other things in order to get ahead—cable TV, high-speed internet, Netflix, vacations. This doesn't mean we have to do without these things forever, but the savings we've accumulated over the last two years is precisely why we are currently debt free! It’s about priorities. Here’s the question: What are you willing to sacrifice?

3. They’re addicted to stuff.

During my time as a UPS driver I had two stops on my route to women who were full-blown shopaholics. It was a rare day that I didn't stop at their houses with multiple packages from A love of stuff isn't that hard to understand, really. I mean, who doesn't like stuff? Heck, I LOVE stuff! And learning not to impulsively purchase everything we want isn't easy, because, for some reason, the more we have, the more confident and powerful we feel. But it's all a fraud! Eventually, stuff just weighs us down.

4. They don’t know how. 

A lot of people get those "3 a.m." moments and want to kick their debt to the curb, but they just don't know how to do it. Our culture, with its mentality of immediate gratification, has trained people to look at their mountain of debt and see it as something too big to bother with. Quick and easy, that's what people want. Hard work? Forget about it! But hard work and discipline is exactly what it takes to get your debt under control. That, and a plan. Thankfully there are plenty of solid, reliable budgeting programs to help you out—be it Crown Financial or Dave Ramsey, for example. You may have to plunk down some cash to get the program or take the course, but it's well worth the investment.

5. They’re lazy.

Some people know what to do. Maybe they know about the debt snowball and they sorta, kinda want to get out of debt. They know how debt can negatively affect their marriage, their stress levels, their relationships, and their future; they know that buying expensive coffees and cable TV packages and newer, more expensive cars and clothes isn't a wise move, but they just aren’t motivated to make a change. And that's... well, embarrassing. Especially if you've got kids. It's now not only your life you're ruining but theirs because they're going to learn their financial habits from you.

Every day, people are making the decision to get out of debt and change their lives. They’re ready to sacrifice and get rid of their fear of change or their addiction to stuff. If you're ready to take that leap, we can't recommend Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University enough. It saved our finances and our marriage.

If a lazy, stuff-lovin' bum like me can make this change, then anyone can!

Keep pinchin' :-)

Monday, February 2, 2015

Taking Vacations With the Baby Steps

A Maui vacation reward
Jake and Danielle on vacation in Maui.
If you're like most people, you can only work, eat, sleep, and play through your weekly grind before the itch to "get away" starts making your insides raw.

But how do you take a vacation and have a good time when you're working your way through Dave Ramsey's Baby Steps to financial peace? I mean, the Baby Steps aren't exactly the best place to be when you want to blow $5,000 on a tropical getaway. Well, here's the good news: you're a fool if you sound like this *in a nasally tone* "We can't go on vacation. We need to save our money. Dave Ramsey says so."

Chill, bro. Or sis. Whoever you are. Vacations are not NOT possible. They CAN happen no matter what baby step you're in. But here's the tough news: you're going to have work at it.

Obviously, the decision to take a vacation is dependent on where you're at financially. If you’re on Baby Step 1 or 2, you’re either building a $1,000 emergency fund or paying off your debt with the debt snowball. In other words, your budget is probably tight—especially if you’re paying off debt aggressively, which you should be. In this case, your options might be limited, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a fun, relaxing vacation. For now it might have to be a staycation, or an inexpensive camping trip, but it's not impossible. Get creative!

If you can manage—and budget for—a short weekend getaway, then go for it. Just remember, the beach and the mountains and all the fancy resorts can wait until you’re out of debt. They’ll still be there, and they will be an awesome reward for busting it and getting out of debt. The main thing is that you don't incur MORE debt by going on vacation.

If you're into Baby Step 3, you’re out of debt and starting to save your big emergency fund, which is three to six months of expenses. Now you can take a little bit of a breath. You’re still saving aggressively and putting all that money you were using to pay off debt toward the emergency fund. But you are also in a good situation where you can take a little bit of that and go on a vacation paid for with CASH. No credit cards here. Woot-woot!

It's important to not go too crazy though. Give yourself a budget, and keep yourself within that budget.

By the time you're into Baby steps 4 through 6, you're in an awesome spot! You’re out of debt, and you’ve saved up a large emergency fund. You’ve started the process of investing 15% of your household income retirement and you've begun saving for your kids' college funds. An annual summer vacation shouldn't be a problem. Just put it in the budget and set a little money aside every week. Even if it's just $100, that's $5,200! Pack up the van and take the kids to Disney!

Your income will determine what’s reasonable for you to do when it comes to vacation spending. Higher earners will obviously be able to afford pricier vacations, but the point here is to go somewhere and remain debt free. Say it with me now: No. More. Debt.

When you've made it all the way through the Baby Steps, don't forget to be generous. Take some family or friends with you on some of your vacations. Be an encourager and a motivator to people who haven’t reached this point in their journey yet. Be generous with your money and even more generous in your spirit. Everyone’s journey will be different. Some people are able to go through the Baby Steps quickly, while it takes much longer for others.

Keep that dream vacation in mind and use it to motivate you to work through the Baby Steps. Remember, getting out of debt and learning to live debt free won't take you forever. This is just a phase of life. The good times will come. You just need the dedication and a little patience to get there.

Keep pinchin :-)

Friday, January 30, 2015

Aloha, You Dumb Tourist - The Drawbacks of Paradise

Danielle diving with the sea turtles
Danielle diving next to a sea turtle in Napili Bay, Maui.
There is no such thing as a perfect paradise on Earth, but Maui comes pretty darn close. Warm ocean waters teeming with beautiful sea life. Breathtaking views from all over the island. Food so good you'll think you're dreaming. And enough zip-lining, boat-riding, parasailing, surfing, swimming, hiking, and sun-tanning to occupy adventurists of any age.

Ultimately—as our chill surf instructor would say—"It's all cool, bro."

Still, this paradise isn't without its drawbacks, and after ten days of writing and photographing and videotaping and tweeting and Facebooking and everything-else-ing the most delicious aspects of this tropical heaven, we thought it might be prudent to warn you about some of the drawbacks. So if you're thinking of visiting Maui, here are some of the things that tripped us up during our vacation (not that Maui isn't still one of the most awesomest places on earth!)

Bad Directions

For some reason the locals don't know how to give directions, so if you get directions, make sure they are very, very specific. Because sometimes "hang right and it's on your left" really means "turn right, drive two miles, you'll see a really complicated intersection with lots of touristy stuff, but if you turn left down the really narrow one way road that you can't really see because of the palm trees and keep your eyes looking to the left you'll eventually see a really small building with a tiny pink sign that says Hala-ooh-I-Can't-Pronounce-This-Word in minuscule print."

Other times it's as simple as, "See that sign that says, 'Do not enter'? Enter there." (No, seriously, someone said that to us, but, hey, it got us where we wanted to go.)

Beware the Tip Jar

Maui's tourism industry thrives off tips
Maui is all about tourism, which means most of the locals work in the service industry and thrive off tips. This gets especially irritating when you book a tour as part of a "package deal," like we did with our sunrise/bicycle/zip line tour. We had no less than five different people to tip—the bus driver who picked us up, the sunrise tour guide, the bicycle tour guide, the zip line guys, and the driver who took us back. We didn't have enough cash to tip everyone, but if we had that would've easily been $80 in tips to three different companies for one excursion.

Timeshare Discounts

Danielle and I wanted to go on a whale-watching tour, so we went to Boss Frog's, one of Maui's top tourism meccas for anything and everything you want to do. A Super cool dude named Mark said he had a great deal for us—a $140 dinner cruise on which we would see whales for $12 if we agreed to sit through a timeshare presentation for 90 minutes. Ninety minutes. That's nine, zero. Super Cool Mark told us if they didn't hold to that to let him know. Dinner, a boat ride, whales, all for $12? I can suffer a 90-minute blowhard, sure.

But the dinner cruise was a disappointment. It wasn't technically a "whale watching tour," so the captain wasn't obligated to go hunt down whales. We saw some way out on the horizon, but not as up close as the official whale-watching boats. The food was mediocre, the drinks were disappointing, and don't even get me started on the timeshare people who did not stick to their 90-minute promise—two hours and ten minutes later, we weren't happy.

Back to Super Cool Mark. When we told him about our disappointing experience he did us a solid and sent us on a whale-watching tour at 50 percent off the listed price. Thanks, dude!

Not All Beaches Are Created Equal

A rental car can take you from bad beach to awesome beach
If you go to Maui, rent a car. There shouldn't be any ifs, ands, or buts about it. Your own transportation is a must. Taxis are expensive. Buses are scattered. And you might have a hotel with a very rocky beach when there is a silky, sandy beach just two miles down the road. Fortunately a car came with our vacation package, and we used it every day.

Read the Fine Print

Like I wrote in Friday's blog, Cost-Saving Vacation Tips, having the best hotel wasn't a priority for us. We like to do stuff. The hotel was just a place to crash. Still, I knew my beach-loving wife would love a hotel room on the beach, so when I booked the hotel I was sure to note that I had chosen a room with an "oceanfront view." The room we got, however, did not have an oceanfront view. The hotel was an oceanfront hotel WITH oceanfront views, but not every room had such a view.

I doubt it was the intention of the hotel owners to be misleading in this way. It was likely Expedia's fault for not communicating to the hotel that we had selected an oceanfront room. When I showed the lady at the hotel's front desk my receipt for the room and that it very clearly said "oceanfront" she quickly and kindly moved us to a much better room with a majestic view of the Pacific. So be careful when you book to read the fine print, but don't be afraid to inquire about discrepancies.

Lost in Translation

Speaking of communication errors, we noticed several times there was a breakdown in communication between companies—whether it was between Expedia and our hotel, the timeshare people and Super Cool Mark, or the three different companies operating our sunrise/bicycle/zip line tour. It seemed like everyone was on their own schedules, but no one was on anybody else's. When so many cooks are stirring the pot there needs to be better communication.

That goes for websites, too. Three times we encountered situations where what we got was not what was offered on the website—not the least of which was Anthony's, a little hippie cafe that offered picnic lunches with rentable coolers on their website. When we stopped there on the Road to Hana, we found out that lunches were more expensive than the website listed, and cooler rentals were no longer an option. You had to buy one for $8. The food wasn't that great either.

Aloha ... You Dumb Tourist

The Shaka, or "Hang Loose" hand sign
Hawaii might be called The Aloha State, but real Hawaiians don't seem to say, "Aloha." Trust me, as a tourist, you'll get Alohaed at every corner, but if you start saying it back you'll stick out like a sore thumb. Real Hawaiians say, "What's up, brudda!" or "What's up, sister!" They're also fond of "Hello," "Hi," and the more modern, "Hey!"

Oh, and if you think about flashing the "hang loose" hand sign, it's ok. Everybody does it. But you're not in Southern California, so don't call it "hang loose." In Hawaii, it's the Shaka.

Get it? Got it? Good!

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Our Surf Teacher From The Zoo + 5 Things You Never Knew About Surfing

Non-athletic. That's me. But I'm tall and trim—about six feet, broad shoulders, long legs—so I can fool most anybody into thinking I know how to use my body. The truth is if I didn't have hands to catch myself, I'd have no face from all the tripping and falling I've done over the years. My nose would be flat. Just a flat nose. Just a flat face with a flat nose because I'm a big non-athletic clutz.

But apparently I'm good at surfing. I paddled into a wave, got to my feet, kept my balance for a short distance, and sat back down before I wiped out. More than once, I might add. That's surfing right?

Just humor me, ok? I suck at every other sport in the world. Let me have this one, tiny thing.

Our Instructor From The Zoo

I've got to give credit to our instructor, a man who introduced himself as Armadillo, or Armor for short. He claimed to come from the zoo. He has a brother named Possum, and other family members from the rat species. Honestly, if you asked me if he was kidding, I wouldn't know what to say. In between pushing back long strands of gnarled blond locks from his copper face and looking like he desperately needed some weed to take his mind off his hangover, for all I knew Armadillo probably actually was born in the zoo. Who knows?

The great thing about him though was that even if we didn't learn to surf, Armadillo gave us plenty of Entertainment.

"Dude," he'd say looking at me, "you're doing awesome. These two girls here are doing everything wrong, but you're awesome. Well, except for your feet, get your feet wider apart. And don't slouch. Relax, man. You're too tense. Scoot back. *sigh* Ok, never mind. You're hopeless."

He asked if Danielle and I had any kids with us. When we told him no he sounded disappointed, saying one of the highlights of teaching surfing lessons to kids is being able to pick them up in high winds and skip them across the surface of the water.

"Seriously, bro, that's what we do. Me and another instructor. I'll grab their arms. Another guy grabs their legs and we just chuck 'um and just watch 'um skip—dush, dush, dush. Well, when the parents aren't looking of course."

Despite his antics, Armadillo managed to instill confidence in us—me, my wife, and a financial advisor from Kentucky named Robin who had the pleasure of learning how to surf with us.

"Whatever you're worried about, it's not going to happen," Armadillo said. "You're not going to drown. You're not going to get blown away by the wind."

"What about shark attacks?" I asked. (Because, seriously, that was all I was really worried about.)

Armadillo was silent for a long moment. "Actually, I can't say don't worry about that because, well ... ah-hem. Let's go surfing!"

Surfing Lessons at the Goofy Foot Surf School
The two of us alongside our fellow student, Robin, and our
surfing instructor Armadillo at the Goofy Foot Surf School.

5 Things You Didn't Know About Surfing

1. Bikinis and Surfboards Don't Mix
Most movies about surfing always show the female surfers in bikinis because, well, I think the reason is obvious, but after 10 minutes on a surfboard you begin to realize just how unrealistic that is because surfboards HURT! Even with a long-sleeved surf shirt my stomach and chest were beat red by the end of our lesson and the insides of my thighs were chaffed from straddling the board.

2. Surfing Should Be Called "Paddling ... With Style"
Surfing is hours of hard work for about 10 minutes of payoff. If that. First, you have to paddle. And paddle, and paddle, and paddle, just to get in the right spot to catch a wave. If there's a current, you have to paddle almost continuously so you don't float away. When a wave comes, you have to paddle—furiously!—so you can get momentum to ride the wave. And when you're ride is over you have to paddle all over again to get back out to sea. Surfing shouldn't be called surfing. It should be called Shoulder Exercise, or maybe S.E.D., for Shoulder Exercise, Dude. But that just doesn't sound as cool.

3. The Stereotypical Surfer Dude Actually Exists
"Surfer dudes" are real. They're not just some stereotype invented for TV. I already told you about Armadillo, who is every bit the laid back surfer dude you've ever imagined, but there were plenty of others just like him with long, scraggly hair; dark, spotty skin; a nonchalant strut. Even the girl working the desk at the surf shop was throwing off those chill surfer chick vibes. But, hey, it's cool, man.

4. Surfing Will Kill You ... No, Really.
Death is like a major deal in surfing. If you don't do it right it will kill you. There are sharks in the water that can kill you. There are rocks and rock walls that a wave can plow you into in a matter of seconds, killing you. If a wave carries you in too far and too fast even the shore will kill you. When you wipe out there are rocks and coral under the water that will gash your body, slice your hands, and, yes, even kill you.

5. Snowboarding Doesn't Make You A Better Surfer
I was proud to tell Armadillo that I was a fair snowboarder on the wintery cold mountains of Vermont. He just dropped his head between his shoulders in disappointment, as though he suddenly realized the work he had cut out for him in teaching me how to surf. "Snowboarders are the worst," he said. "They're so used to having their feet strapped to the board." And he was right. Shuffling forward and backward on a surf board is kind of essential to making the whole thing work, but making myself move my feet was a challenge.

Going Back for Seconds

Unfortunately, cameras and surfing don't mix, so Danielle and I have no actual proof that we did any of this. We intended to go back and rent some surfboards and take turns surfing while one of us takes pictures from the shore, but, honestly, surfing can, like, KILL YOU! After being on Maui for a week and catching bits and pieces of information about currents, high winds, sharp rocks, coral, gashes, cuts, bruises, gangrene, and, yes, even sharks, you slowly come to understand that surfing is epically dangerous if you don't know what you're doing.

So we opted to go to the mall. Much safer.