Breaking Free Part 3: Overcoming The Comparison Trap

It's been two years since Danielle and I started down this road toward debt-free living. It's been a challenge, a fun ride, a ministry, and a blessing, all rolled into one adventure. This week we'd like to look back on our journey, share some of the intricacies of how and why we do it, and hopefully encourage you to gain some ground in your financial battle.

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It's so easy to fall prey to comparison.

"Bob and Mary have a nice house. They're the same age as us. We should have the standard of living they do!"

"My wife and I have a bunch of kids to feed, but neither of us can get a job. We must not be as good as John and Jane who are both doing quite well."

"My two best friends have both gotten new cars in the last three years. I must be a loser if I don't get a new car soon."

"Mary is so beautiful. If I looked like her I wouldn't feel so insecure."

The examples above may seem ridiculous at face value, but they're actually not that far off from the kind of thinking we all experience from time to time.

Jacey, over at The Balanced Wife, has a wonderful article on comparison. Regarding her financial situation, she writes: "It wasn’t jealousy or bitterness I was feeling, but something more like shame. I felt behind, like a new bar had been set for what people my age were supposed to have, and I didn’t measure up."

Money management wizard Dave Ramsey talks about this feeling in Financial Peace University. He says, as adults, we try to recreate the standard of living we had as a child, or, for those less fortunate, we try to create what we always thought was the ideal.

My wife admitted once that this was the case for her. After we got married, she wanted a house. A big house. A house to raise a family in. She wanted to cook dinner like her mom always did and expected me to keep up the property like her father. Imagine her disappointment when, over time, she realized that married life wasn't going to be all that she saw growing up. She doesn't have the time to cook meals all week. I'm not the Mr. Fix-It that her father was.

We both had expectations that were dashed pretty early on in our marriage.

Breaking Free from Comparison

Theodore Roosevelt said, "Comparison is the thief of joy."

Comparing ourselves to other people is one of the first major obstacles we have to overcome to find financial peace. And I do mean "peace." Because you can find financial freedom without overcoming comparison, but the road there will be longer, more stressful, and more irritating, because as you continually compare yourself to others you'll be unhappy and you're likely to make those around you miserable. Financial peace is a much more rewarding road.

The comparison trap is a dangerous one, because comparison, by nature, is always negative, unfairly putting the worst of ourselves up against the perceived best of others. Comparison usually ignores facts, and often accepts too many broad assumptions. Comparison is inaccurate. It wastes time. It fails to realize that everyone is unique and that nothing in life is a "one size fits all."

When the Apostle Paul wrote "godliness with contentment is great gain," he wasn't just speaking philosophically. He had learned the secret to contentment in every circumstance in life. While that secret eludes most people, it need not elude any true believer.

Here are six practical steps to overcoming comparison.

• Learn to give thanks

Not just for good things, but for all things. Thankfulness is a matter of simple obedience to God, but it is also evidence of a Spirit-filled believer. Not feeling thankful? That's ok. You don't always have to FEEL thankful. Just give thanks anyway. God won't ignore your obedience. (1 Thess. 5:18; Eph. 5:18-20).

• Learn to rest in God's providence

God is always unfolding His purpose in our lives, a purpose that is for His glory and our gain. So when bad things come our way, who are we to shake our fist at the sky or grumble and complain when, in the long run, God is only doing what is best for us. (Rom. 8:28; 1 Pet. 4:12-13).

• Learn to be satisfied with little

Paul learned to make this choice. And that's exactly what it is: a choice. You can choose to be content just like you can choose to smile at the clerk at the checkout line, or choose to have a good attitude toward those you don't necessarily enjoy being around. (1 Tim. 6:6)

• Learn to live above your circumstances

Life happens. And if I am to be truly honest, life can really suck sometimes. No one knows this better than the apostle Paul—abused, imprisoned, tortured. He didn't take pleasure in the pain itself, but in the power of Christ manifested in him. Clinging to Christ when life gets hard is so crucial to truly being content. (2 Cor. 12:9-10)

• Learn to rely on God's provision

Danielle and I took a major step of faith when we decided to sign up for Christian Healthcare Ministries as an alternative to Obamacare. It means our trust isn't in an insurance company, but in the hands of God, who, through thousands of other believers, will help us cover the cost of our medical expenses. I have faith in this, because Jesus promised that he will never leave us and that he will supply all our needs. (Heb. 13:5, Matt. 6:26)

• Learn to care for others

Really practice this one, because as we focus on meeting the needs of others, an amazing thing happens: comparison takes a back seat. Focusing on others means learning about them, and as we learn about them we can find empathy and understanding. Loving others rubs out the assumption-based aspects of comparison and replaces it with facts. (Phil. 2:3-4)

Associations are powerful, and the company we keep can influence our decisions in many ways, even without us realizing it. When people around us start buying houses and going on vacations, we feel like we deserve the same. But once you choose not to be swayed by this kind of thinking, there is immediate freedom from comparison.

While Danielle and I feel strongly about debt, we don't shove our beliefs on others, nor do we look down on friends and family who spend more money than we do or take out loans. Their choices don't threaten ours, and when you don't feel threatened you're in a much better position to love people where they are without judging them.

(Adapted from What Is The Secret to Contentment?, by John MacArthur.)

Other posts in this series

Part 1: My Personal Wake-Up Call
Part 2: How To See Some Hope
Part 4: The Things We Didn't Give Up

Table Talk - Conversation Around The Dinner Table

The hubby and I don't have kiddos yet, but we are always talking about them, the future we hope they have, and what kind of parents we hope to become. We talk often about how we want to raise our children, things we've seen other parents do that we want to mirror, or things about our own upbringing that we want to do differently.

It's obvious that kids are going to introduce a rather radical life change when they finally arrive, so we've decided that there are some things we can do now in preparation for having kids that, hopefully, can become a habit before our lives are upended by little Jakes and Danis.

One thing that Jake and I have always agreed is hugely important is family meal times. We both think it's important to have a time where the whole family sets aside their electronics and gathers around the dinner table to pray, eat, and talk about what's on their minds.

Jake and I try to do this as often as we can. Sometimes we both have a lot to talk about. Sometimes there isn't much going on and dinner is quiet.

A good friend of mine has used dinner conversation cards to help get everyone at the table involved in some discussion over the years. So when I had the chance to get my hands on some conversation cards called Words Fitly Spoken, Uplifting Conversation Starters For All Ages, I jumped at the chance!

The cards come in two sets. The Original Edition, which contains 200 conversation starters; and the Thankfulness Edition, which contains 100. Each edition comes as a PDF file and is formatted for 3 1/2" x 5" cards, which makes them easy to print.

A few nights ago, the hubby and I took some conversation starters from the Original Edition to see how they were. It was fun! Some of the questions covered ground that Jake and I had already discussed, but others gave us some fresh insights into each other—which is always fun when you can learn something new about your spouse.

The cards include questions like:

—What family tradition would you most like to pass on to your children?

—How did you get your name?

—Describe one of your favorite pictures of your family.

Then we checked out the Thankfulness Edition and found these gems:

—Do you believe thankfulness is a feeling we experience or a skill we need to cultivate?  Why do you believe that?

—How do you feel when someone says "Thank you" to you?

Even Jake agrees that these cards are helpful conversation starters, especially for men who don't always like talking about their day. He said sometimes guys find it burdensome to recount the details of the day they've had, but if you can engage them in other topics it's easier to drum up some conversation, especially if they see that it's important to their wives.

We will definitely keep these cards handy for future use, especially for when the kiddos come around.

If you are interested in checking out these card sets you can find them at Good Old Days Farms. This link contains an affiliate link, which just means we will get a small commission from any purchase you may choose to make at no further cost to you.

One of the reasons I want to support these conversation starters—besides the fact that they are awesome—is because of this statement I found on the Good Old Days Farm website:

"The Good Old Days Farm is a community farm located in Blue Ridge, Texas, dedicated to helping people live simpler, healthier lives. Proceeds from all our website sales are reinvested into our small family farm. Through our website sales we are able to offer health education to our community and keep the cost of our organic fruits and vegetables low. At the heart of our community are people just like you!"

These people have a dream that I can appreciate :-)

We hope you check these out, and if you think it's a good fit for you family that you choose to purchase through them. We are sure that you and your family will get many laughs, gain knowledge about one another, and spark many more conversations though them.

Keep pinchin' ;-)

Remembering Gifts and Blessings From God

This past week I started reading One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are, by Ann Voskamp. It's a really great book, and because it is written differently than most books today it makes you have to focus on what you are reading and really pay attention. So far it is has talked about Ann's life, what happened to make her who she is, and what began her journey to name 1,000 gifts from God. I think I am going to go on this journey, to acknowledge all the gifts I receive from God, and while I want to wait until I finish the book to officially start I was reminded of one HUGE gift tonight. After dinner the hubby and I were discussing what we had to do. His list, as usual, was WAY longer than mine, and so I offered to mow the lawn. I've only used our riding lawn mower a couple of times, and had to re-read the instructions just to get it started.

As I was driving like a mad woman all over our lawn—and quite enjoying myself—I was reminded what a chore mowing the lawn was the first summer we were in our home. We have close to an acre of lawn to mow—around the house, garage, and chicken coups, around the garden, the utility pole, a few rocks and trees—and the first year we did it all by hand. Yup, all we had was a little 18-inch Lawnboy, a VERY old one. It took us anywhere from three to five hours to mow the lawn depending on our energy level, how high the grass was, and how well the mower wanted to work. Then the next summer we were given the gift of our riding lawn mower, which you can about read here. Instead of taking me three or five hours, I was able to mow it all in about an hour and fifteen minutes. Not only has our awesome John Deere riding lawn mower been a wonderful gift but it has also given us the gift of saving time and energy. It's nice to be able to enjoy the outdoors without completely exhausting yourself, too! I know I said I wanted to finish Ann's book before I started counting God's gifts, but, oh well... looks like I've started already! Keep pinchin' :-)

My Thankful Jar

All over Pinerest this past year I've been seeing "Thankful Jars." The idea is that you place notes in the jar throughout the year about things you are thankful for, and then on New Year's Eve you read them to be reminded of all the blessings you received. I really love this idea because so many times I forget the things that I have been thankful for, or the miraculous ways God is at work in our lives.

I vowed to make one for 2014. I was about a week late to actually getting around to creating it, but that's ok. Below you will find directions to the easy Thankful Jar that I made.

First gather all your materials. For my jar I used a large glass vase, twine, colored paper, cookie cutters, scissors, clothes pins, and a pen.

I decided to go with a theme for each month. I'm starting with hearts for Valentine's Day, and plan to use clovers, eggs, flags, apples, pumpkins etc. throughout the months to add some visual interest to the various entries. Using the cookie cutters I traced the heart shapes and cut them out.

I also made a large heart with "Our Thankful Jar 2014" written on it, and then pasted it to white paper. I tied the twine around the jar twice and attached the hearts and sign with one of the clothes pins. This will make it easier when I want to change the theme next month.

Did you do a "Thankful Jar" this year? It's not too late to start!

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." —1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Keep Pinchin' :-)