How Long Are You Considered A Newlywed?

So I've been married for two years now. Yeeesh. In some ways it seems like it's been a lot longer, but in other ways it seems like just yesterday that Danielle and I were kicking back on the beaches of Kelly's Island on our honeymoon.

So are we still considered newlyweds?

I found myself pondering this question as I looked back over our second year of marriage and considered how different it was from the first. Initially, Danielle and I were two fiercely independent people waging war over our independent ways as we struggled to compromise amidst a tumultuous frenzy of stubborn independence. Thankfully, year two was a little more mellow.

But back to the question at hand. Are we still considered newlyweds?

To answer my question I did what any highly-intelligent adult would do and consulted the most wise and insightful person I know: my Mother.

"Forever!" she said.

Oh, mom. You're such an optimist.

I then consulted the second most wise and insightful being I know: Google.

Google had a variety of answers stemming mostly from the personal perspectives of its chasm of users around the world. Many Googlers seemed to think that you were a newlywed for one year, but older generations suggested three.

So which is it—one or three?

Well, that depends on many factors, but, don't worry cause I've got it all figured out. You can call off Google. You can stop asking your mother. I'm here to give you the definitive answer... though, admittedly, I am a bit biased because this is my theory and my blog. (Best to take this with a massive grain of salt.)

ONE-YEAR NEWLYWED STATUS
Essentially this status applies to people who have either been down the marriage street before or are already so familiar with their significant other that a newlywed status of longer than one year seems redundant.

If you've been married once before, divorced or widowed, and you marry again, your newlywed status doesn't stick as long as your first one. Sorry. It's just a fact. You've been around this block before, so there isn't much "new" about it.

If you've been with the same person for more than three years already, especially if you've been living together, married life isn't going to have many surprises for you that you're not already aware of. So you had a ceremony and now you've got a ring on your finger. Big deal. That changes what, exactly? After one year you're just no longer a newlywed. Get over yourself.

TWO-YEAR NEWLYWED STATUS
Maybe you were high school sweethearts. Maybe you met in the military. Whatever the circumstances, your marriage was put off for a period of time for reasons beyond your control. And chances are you haven't been able to see your partner because of scheduling conflicts or distance. As a result there's a lot of pent-up eagerness to finally be married. You can't wait to be together and hold hands and look into each other's eyes and make all the rest of us sick with your very public displays of mushy affection. This fervor for each other will be what carries your newlywed gusto into a second year, but that's all you get.

THREE-YEAR NEWLYWED STATUS
You started dating. You fell in love. You got engaged. All within a year. Your passion contained one part forward momentum, two parts abstinence and tradition, and your wedding day was a celebration for the ages. Chances are this was also the only serious relationship you have ever had—or, at least, one of the few. You've got all the fervor and gusto from the Two-Year Newlywed Status, but it's pumped into one of those cardboard Pillsbury Cinnamon Roll tubes, packed tight and ready to burst at the seams. You'll be considered newlyweds for a long time. Your third year of newlywed status will be significantly dimmer than the first two, but it will still apply.

Now, as for my mother's "Forever Newlywed Status," I think there's some truth to that too. I think there is a way that you can forever remain a student of your spouse—learning about them, pursuing them—that will always keep some sort of youthful spark in your marriage, preserving that newlyweded feeling for a long time.

Danielle and I are reading a book right now called "Sacred Marriage," by Gary Thomas. In it he presents an interesting concept called "falling forward." The term comes from the author's experience hiking Mount Rainier. While attempting to jump across a fast-moving creek a friend told him that when he jumped, "just make sure you fall forward."

"Wise advice, because even if I didn't land on my feet, my forward momentum would at least keep me from being swept downstream. That advice applies in profound ways to Christian marriage. In this key relationship we must also learn to fall forward. When anger flares and problems surface or boredom takes over, we're tempted in our immaturity to pull back, become distant, or even seek out someone more interesting and less frustrating. But we mature as we choose to move forward through the pain and past apathy. We will fall, but we can choose the direction in which we fall, either toward or away from our spouse."

A marriage should be a never-ending work in progress. If work ever stops, you're going to lose your forward momentum. So long as you're always putting work into your marriage, whenever problems arise, that forward momentum should see you through.

As Danielle and I enter our third year of being newlyweds, my aim is to continue to pursue her, almost to the point of imagining that we're not married and that I'm still trying to win her heart. If we keep this forward momentum maybe we'll find that newlywed status can indeed last forever.

Cause seriously, when is my mother ever wrong?

Keep pinchin' :-)

Man Speech: Giving Your Wife the Royal Spa Treatment

Treating your woman like the princess she is doesn't have to cost a lot of money, so give her an at-home pedicure to help make her feel special and appreciated. Think of it like staining and sealing a hardwood floor.

A COUPLE DISCLAIMERS

1. Some women really don't like having their feet touched, so this could be a major turn-off for your woman. If that's the case, a word of caution: don't go there. Her floor doesn't need to be waxed. 


2. Don't think you can't do it. Really, you've got hands, you know how to rub your muscles when they get sore, you know where your feet hurt when you've been standing on them all day. Giving your wife a pedicure is no different. And when it comes to painting her toenails, honestly, if you've ever held a paint brush you can hold nail polish. Just think of her toes as very tiny boards.

THE PROCEDURE

Begin by soaking her feet in some warm water. Use some bubble bath soap, something with a relaxing scent like vanilla or lavender. Let her feet soak for about 10 minutes.

Next dry her feet and apply some lotion. This is like wax for your finished cabinets. You really want to spend some time working the wax into the wood, the rough spots, the dry spots. You want the wood to feel silky smooth to the touch. So take this time to do some massaging of your wife's feet.

Next clip her toenails. Women's toenails are not slabs of granite like those of most men. They are delicate, so you don't need a big honkin' pair of clippers. Those little dainty clippers that she probably has in her makeup kit will work just fine. It's likely that you won't have to use nail clippers at all. You could probably get away with using a nail file.

A NOTE ABOUT NAIL FILES
A nail file is not sandpaper. And your wife's toes are not pine. Don't rub away at them with a nail file like your doing finishing work on a new baseboard. Use the nail file in single-stroke, left-to-right motions. No back and fourth sanding because that does damage to the nail.

Next take a cotton ball with some nail polish remover and clean the surface of the toenails. This isn't just to remove any old nail polish, but also any oils, dirt, and lotion that may be on the nail.

Next, paint the little piggies a color of your wife's choice. It will probably take two coats, so do one set of toes and let them dry as you paint the others. Usually about 10 or 15 minutes between coats is good. When painting, be quick about it. Nail polish is a pain in the asphalt. It dries and clumps quickly. It should take you no more than 10 seconds to cover each toenail.

Finally, you can cover each toenail with a nail hardener. This is like polyurethane finish for your wife's feet and will protect the nail polish and make it last longer.

And lastly, try to enjoy yourself. Giving your wife a pedicure isn't the manliest of manly things to do, but if you do it right it will be something she'll love. Put on some music, help her relax, give her some hot tea or cocoa, conversation, and laughter.

Keep pinchin' :-)

The Night I Was Kind of Sad

As I write this, I'm kind of sad.

In three days I've had three friends antagonize me about three different things. It doesn't matter what or why, just pointless arguments started because they wanted to push their opinions on me. I drafted lengthy replies that clearly stated my case—and, in my own mind, proved that I was right—but I discarded all of them. I've got bigger things in my life going on than the petty mumbo-jumbo that these people are trying to argue with me.

And, from my point of view, I can see the unhappiness in their lives and know that the only reason they're attacking me is because of their own insecurity. And the longer I wrote and edited, and wrote and edited my eloquent replies, the more irritated I got. And before I knew it I had wasted two hours of my life and had accomplished nothing.

I'm not an optimist by any means, but I'm also usually smart enough to know that when someone is bringing me down I need to just put them out of my life, at least for a while. A Bible verse that keeps coming to my mind is when Jesus warned his followers to "not cast  their pearls before swine." (Matthew 7:6) Essentially he was saying that some people are so stubborn that they won't listen to your reason no matter how well-worded or convincing your logic is. Don't waste your time with these people! There is ripe fruit elsewhere that can be picked.

I think this verse comes to mind so much because in recent years people have become so fiercely opinionated. Very few people are willing to listen anymore, and fewer are willing to consider the question, "What if I'm wrong?"

Now I'm not implying that I never argue or that I don't try to talk sense into people, because at times I do, but more often than not I come to the conclusion that this person isn't interested in listening to me, and so I move on. It's hard to do, and it makes me sad, but that's why I'm sitting here right now.

Right now my wife is in bed, sleeping off a long three days of work. She's so smart, and fun, and creative. She just got a new haircut, and it's a dramatic difference, but she's so beautiful. And she is the reason I'm doing this whole "penny pinching" craziness. I long to make her happy, and having her light up my life the way she does motivates me to strive all the harder toward financial peace. Thinking about her lightens my burdens. In fact, I'm smiling already.

Keep pinchin' :-)