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Friday, April 4, 2014

Six Things I Wish Would Go Away

My wife may say differently, but I like to think that I'm a fairly easy-going person. Minus the charming smile and 2% body fat, I sort of see myself as the Ryan Reynolds type—laid back, carefree, rolling with the punches. I have my diva moments, but at least I'm no Julia Roberts who earned the nickname "Tinkerhell" on the set of Steven Speilberg's Hook because of her notoriously difficult personality.

I don't know yet what kind of a dad I'm going to be, but this is the picture I get when I imagine myself with kids.

ME: All right, who pooped in the shower?
KID: Daddy, I had to go real bad.
ME: Well, at least it was near a drain. High five.

Because, you know, life is just too short to sweat the small stuff.

Like most people, however, there are a few things that just irritate me to no end, like steel wool rubbed vigorously across that sensitive piece of skin under your eye. It's my opinion that these six things need to be erased from all existence.

That annoying song from Frozen
1. That Song from Frozen
"Let It Go" is like crystal meth for every wannabe singer in the world. It has gone from a well-executed Disney hit to a particularly frightening obsession among young girls because it's witty, catchy, and the music is totally predictable, which makes it easy to sing—seriously, you can sense every musical number building from a mile away. The movie is now five months old, but people are still churning out "Let It Go" parodies on YouTube. In fact the trend has become so tired that "I Hate Let It Go" parodies of "Let It Go" are starting to become a thing and... I'm tired of talking about this.

Celebrity name abbreviations
2. Celebrity Name Abbr.
Thanks to the 140 character limit that Twitter introduced and the growing annoyance of texting shorthand, many celebrity name abbreviations have made it so far into the cultural lexicon that people are actually speaking them as though they're too lazy to say the person's whole name. Jennifer Lopez has become J-Lo. Scarlet Johansson is ScarJo. And Kristen Stewart is now K-Stew, which sounds like a cheap brand of beef soup.

Then there's the celebrity couple names—which almost deserves its own category on this list. Names like Bennifer (Ben Affleck/Jennifer Lopez), Brangelina (Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie), TomKat (Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes.) These absurd "uni-names" are used to describe a celebrity power couple, but instead these words just make the people who use them sound like fad-crazed teenage girls at a slumber party after a Lady Gaga concert.

3. Instagram
In all fairness, Instagram is a great invention. It's got cool filters and tools that make improving photos a breeze, but the crafty use of this application has been lost into the void of the one resource our country will never run out of: stupid people. Thanks to morons everywhere a tool that once thrived off creativity and imagination is now used to post unimaginative pictures of things like people's dinner which are promptly uploaded to Facebook where everyone gets to not care about them over and over and over... and over... again.

Woody on Instagram

What's worse, thanks to Instagram's photo improvement filters, millions of teenage girls are tricked into thinking they can be models, which leads me to number four...

Selfies have got to go
4. Selfies
The internet calls them selfies, but I call them by their medical term: narcissistic personality disorder, named after a mythical Greek boy who fell in love with his own reflection. For those who don't know, a selfie is the act of turning your phone or camera toward yourself and snapping a photo, which you then promptly plaster all over the Internet. A Facebook page filled with selfies says one thing to the world: my life is all about me! And that's not a good thing. If you're a teenager, selfies are excusable, but if you're over 20... no, scratch that. Selfies are just wrong.

And speaking of selfies...

The duckface - an internet fad that has to stop
5. The Duckface
The duckface is when a person poses for a photo and presses their lips together in such a way that they look like they have a small duckbill. The phrase was coined to mock people who were trying to look like Angelina Jolie—one of the few people who actually looks good doing a duckface—but the duckface caught on and is now a trend. The duckface is a weird entity because some people do it right—like Ang-Jo—but most everyone else who does it just looks stupid. Either way, when you see someone making the duckface, the question arises: Why are you trying to look like a duck? Ducks are not sexy. If you look like a duck you look like a rapist. Plain and simple. Not sexy. Go away.

6. Miley Cyrus
It's not just Miss Cyrus who has become an insufferable irritation, but the entire craze surrounding her. Even her innumerable detractors have become annoying. (I'm annoying myself right now just writing about her, so I'll keep it brief). The twerking. The foam finger. The syphilis tongue. Stop. Just... stop.

Miley Cyrus and her famous syphilis tongue

What about you? What sorts of cultural oddities do you hope to see die—hopefully in a painful way—this year?

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